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John Bender
(Judd Nelson)


Judd's best lines:



"Screws fall out all the time. The world's an imperfect place."

"Can you hear this? You want me to turn it up?"

"If ya gotta go, ya gotta go."

"So Ahab, can I bum my doobidge?"

"I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect YOU to know the difference."

"your pretty sexy when you get angry"

"Eat my shorts"

"Face it. You're a neo-maxie zoom dweebie."

"So it's sorta social. Demented and sad, but social right?"

"Hey, Homeboy. Why don't you go close that door. We'll get the Prom Queen impregnated."

"Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?"

"you couldn't ignore me if you tried."

"young man have you finished your paper"

"Stupid, worthless, no good, Goddamned, freeloading, son of a bitch,retarded, big mouth, know it all, asshole, jerk! You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful."
"Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie! What about you Dad? Fuck you! No, Dad, what about you? Fuck you! No, Dad, what about you? Fuck you!"

"being bad feels pretty good, huh?"

"You see, I'm not sure if you know this...but there are two kinds of fat people. There's fat people that were born to be fat, and then there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat...so when you look at them you can sorta see that thin person inside! You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh..." (He mimes becoming fat, making noises)

"Obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl."

"You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature. It's such fun to read, and Moh--lay really pumps my nads."

"For better hallway vision."

"B-O-O-H-O-O"

"If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy."

"Three! Two! One! Aaagh! Victory!!"

"I was thinking of trying out for a scholarship."

"I expect better manners from you, Dick."

"It wouldnít have anything to do with you activities people being assholes now wound it."

"Well I donít know any lepers either but Iím not going to join one of their fucking clubs"

Claire...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty...


Some of Judd's greatest scenes. . .


JOHN: A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other.She lays the poodle on the table.
Bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says--ooooohhh shit!

I regret to inform you that I found out there is no end to the joke Judd Nelson just adlibed the whole "joke".


MR. VERNON: Say the word, just say the word. Instead of going to prison, you'll come here. Are you through?

JOHN: No

VERNON: I'm doing society a favor.

JOHN: So

VERNON:That's another one right now. I've got you for the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step. You want another one?

JOHN: Yes

VERNON: You got it. You got another one right there. That's another one pal. You through?

JOHN: Not even close BUD.

VERNON: Good, you got one more right there.

JOHN: "You really think I give a shit?

VERNON: Another. You through?

JOHN: How many is that?

BRIAN: That's seven, including the one when we first came in and you asked Mr. Vernon here whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.


JOHN: Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off. Hopin' to God your parents don't walk in. . .

CLAIRE: Do you want me to puke?

JOHN: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvins in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night. . .


VERNON: What if your DOPE was on fire?

JOHN: Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.


BENDER: Here's my impression of life at big Bri's house...
(in a loud and friendly voice)
Son!
(in a kiddie voice)
Yeah Dad?
(loud)
How's your day, pal?
(kiddie)
Great Dad, how's yours?
(loud)
Super, say son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend?
(kiddie)
Great Dad, but I've got homework to do!
(loud)
That's all right son, you can do it, on the boat!
(kiddie)
Gee!!!
(loud)
Dear, isn't our son swell?
(quiet and motherly)
Yes Dear, isn't life swell?
(Bender mimes mother kissing father and then father kissing mother and then father punching mother in the face.)


BENDER: Ka-Laire?
CLAIRE: Claire...it's a family name!
BENDER: Nooo...It's a fat girl's name!
CLAIRE: Well thank you...
BENDER: You're welcome...
CLAIRE: I'm not fat!
BENDER: Well not at present but I could see you really pushing maximum density!